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The Kerosene Kid
 
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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in KC's LiveJournal:

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Wednesday, August 19th, 2009
12:56 pm
Literal Video: "Total Eclipse of the Heart"
If you know the tune, you don't need sound on this video. Trust me.

Saturday, April 11th, 2009
1:41 pm
Easter food
Last year I posted about Resurrection Rolls. This year, a friend of mine has trumped even the holiness of eating Jesus' delicious burial shroud.

(This is the same friend who raided her mother's church cookbooks to come up with a little gem of a dish called "Lime and Asparagus Salad". The ingredients include lime Jell-o, cream cheese, mayo, onion, pecans, green pepper, celery, and one (1) can of asparagus soup. Have you barfed yet?

Honestly, that kind of reminds me of Lime Jello Marshmallow Cottage Cheese Surprise, a song that all the church ladies around here think is hilarious, in that same way that Waiting for Guffman was funny because anyone who was in high school drama knows it was true.)

Anyway, here's the bigger, better, more Jesusy recipe:Collapse )
Friday, February 6th, 2009
8:20 am
I almost never look at the Writer's Block prompts if I can help it, but today's is "Which of the seven deadly sins—sloth, greed, lust, gluttony, anger, envy, and pride—are you most likely to commit?"

This put me in mind of my theory of the Hierarchy of Vices. Basically, I believe that all of the seven sins arrange themselves in a certain order of importance in our personalities, so that one trumps another one, and so on down the line. I, for example, am guilty of gluttony on many an occasion, but most of the time my sloth trumps my gluttony. Real life example: Say Becca makes an excellent meal for us to eat while we watch a movie. I think the food's fantastic, but I'm too lazy to get my ass off the couch to get more with which to stuff myself. Sloth prevails!

Also, in my schema, envy trumps pride: Hypothetically, I see someone who's got a really nice car. Instead of going out and getting something that makes ME look really awesome, I mostly content myself with sitting around being a jealous asshole about said car. Most likely while I'm sitting on the couch, not getting any more food, 'cuz I'm too lazy. Sloth prevails yet again!

This theory is predicated on a pretty loose definition of the seven deadly sins, but I'm curious: what's YOUR Hierarchy of Vices?
Wednesday, January 7th, 2009
7:59 pm
funny pictures of cats with captions
more animals
Thursday, January 1st, 2009
3:51 pm
Happy New Year
I hope you celebrated like these guys

Friday, December 19th, 2008
11:09 am
food help plz
OK you guys, I need your help.

I have an aunt who hosts Christmas every year. This year, for the first time, she has asked me to bring an actual food item: A vegetable dish, to be exact. She's a very nice lady, but she can be pretty picky. (I'll tell you the ice cream story later.)

ANYWAY, I need a recipe that will knock their socks off. They've been teasing me about not liking meat for years, and I need to show them that vegetables can be fucking delicious too. I called her last night and called dibs on green beans.

So now I need the best green bean hot dish* recipe in the universe. It does not have to be vegetarian, and in fact, use of bacon is encouraged.
The only other parameters are:
1) Must include actual green beans
2) Crispy topping is desired but not essential
3) If you can find a way to incorporate cheese in there somehow, you'll be my hero forever.

GET TO IT!

(*That's casserole for all you non-Minnesotans)



Later on: eighthcloud is making me do a meme, which I will get to later. (Yes, I said "making me" because, you know, she has the POWER OF THE INTERNETS backing her up.)
Tuesday, December 16th, 2008
9:49 am
I've been teaching too many SAT classes these days
Lately there have popped up in the news some startling resemblances, at least to my eye. The obvious one is the Sarah Palin/Tina Fey--DUH--but there have been a couple other female wackjobs who look like people I actually like.

Observe:Collapse )
Saturday, November 22nd, 2008
10:04 pm
Ozymandias redux (from dailyKos)
With thanks to ms_daisy_cutter. The photos aren't particularly true to the literary interpretation of the poem but it celebrates the spirit if not the letter of the thing.

I am Ozymandias, king of kings. Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair.
Sunday, November 16th, 2008
11:13 am
Funky Fresh Senior Choir


Starts out slow, but it's really, really worth waiting until 3:05 to see how happy the ladies get when they get to sing "Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me?" And everyone's favorite old-school jam comes up at 3:45.
Sunday, October 26th, 2008
11:07 am
HFS SNOW
It's snowing in MN. Kind of on/off sleety-snow, but definitely snow.

YES
Saturday, October 18th, 2008
8:33 am
What?
I got this from a comm I'm in. Uh, I'm not--I just...Wow.

Thursday, October 9th, 2008
1:11 pm
Swiped from epeolatry
John "Monty Python" Cleese wrote a bit of verse about Mr. Sean Hannity; apparently Keith Olbermann read it on Countdown last night.

Ode to Sean Hannity
by John Cleese

Aping urbanity
Oozing with vanity
Plump as a manatee
Faking humanity
Journalistic calamity
Intellectual inanity
Fox Noise insanity
You’re a profanity
Hannity


I'm sheepishly proud of the macro I made to go with it.

Photobucket
Thursday, September 18th, 2008
8:59 am
Others have beaten me to it, but I must also wish a very happy 31st birthday to my dearest epeolatry.

Tonight we toast her with with the best tacos in town followed by some gay bar action, and then it's off to the wild north of Minnesota for a few days, where we will continue to celebrate by eating constantly and napping whenever and wherever we choose to.

Happy birthday, Becca!
Tuesday, September 9th, 2008
9:12 am
Bad Science
So I'm trying to write a little bit every day, hence more posting. Lately, however, I have only been able to muster the energy to compile lists...aaand so far, only two of them. Suggestions are welcome. Today, I present to you some tidbits about my beloved mother. Some of you will probably recall a few of these.

“SCIENTIFIC” “FACTS” ASSERTED BY MY MOTHER, A WOMAN WHO PAID FORTY DOLLARS FOR A COMMUNITY EDUCATION CLASS THAT TAUGHT HER HOW TO OPEN A HOTMAIL ACCOUNT

“Have some juice. It’ll wake up your pancreas.”

“It's wonderful that Katie is pregnant! When is she getting rid of her cats? Well, so they don’t suck the baby’s breath out in the night, that’s why.”

“Don’t drive over thirty in the neighborhood. The neighbors will think you’re high on drugs.”

“I’ll just meet you at the restaurant; Dad can come pick you up in St. Paul with his car and then drive you back to Minneapolis. It’ll save gas!”

“Sure, it looks like a good price for a laptop, but everyone knows that all that stuff they advertise on Craigslist is just stolen merchandise.”

“Never put a hot pan back down on the stove. It could damage the invisible coating on the stove burner.”

“Don’t close the dishwasher with your foot. The germs from your foot will crawl up onto the countertop and infect us.”

“I had Dad turn off the electricity to the kitchen while we’re on vacation. I would hate it if some little woodland animal broke in and accidentally turned on the oven and the house burned down.”
Monday, September 8th, 2008
10:01 am
A Short Glossary
A Short Glossary of Sleeping Positions Adopted in the Queen-Sized Bed I Share With My Girlfriend and My Two Cats (Of Which One is Rather Large)

The Bulldozer. Either my girlfriend or the large cat attempts to roll me off the side of the bed.

The Cement Mixer. My girlfriend and the large cat take turns rolling over and onto me, thereby mashing me into the center of the bed.

Thieves In The Temple. The cats and I maneuver into the center of the bed while my girlfriend copes with the gastrointestinal fallout of Chinese seven-course beef.

The Burrito. My girlfriend firmly grasps one edge of the blankets and then executes a precise 180-degree roll, neatly forming a cylinder of warmth around her and leaving my naked body vulnerable to the predations of the cats.

Prometheus And The Vultures. My girlfriend sleeps spread-eagle in the middle of the bed while the cats lean against her sides and rest their heads on her mid-section. Notice I am nowhere in the picture.

Russian Nesting Dolls. Executed on our right flanks: My girlfriend puts her arm around me, I put an arm around the large cat, and the small cat nestles peacefully by the large cat's side.

Goldilocks and the Three Bears. A variation on "Russian Nesting Dolls" wherein my girlfriend, the large cat, and I retain our postures of repose, but the small cat careens around the apartment yelling and running into furniture.

Render Unto Caesar What Is Caesar's. My girlfriend claims half of the bed; the cats claim half of the remaining portion. I am left with a quarter of the bed, a good deal of which is taken up by my pillow.
Tuesday, September 2nd, 2008
10:25 am
B's adorable little grandpa passed away last night; sad times in our house as we prepare to leave for the memorial and recollect what good he brought to the world.

To get my mind off things, I took a little break and watched this video, made by the extremely weird guy who writes Toothpaste For Dinner. It's safe for work. You don't need sound, but audio definitely adds something.

Thursday, August 28th, 2008
10:03 am
The following is an actual advertisement promoting tourism at the UK's historic docks. What does it look like to you?



Also, B and I had a conversation today about this excerpt from an interview with rapper DMX ("Y'all gon make me lose my mind/up in here, up in here") in XXL Magazine, about a guy named Barack:

Are you following the presidential race?
Not at all.

You're not? You know there's a Black guy running, Barack Obama and then there's Hillary Clinton.
His name is Barack?!

Barack Obama, yeah.
Barack?!

Barack.
What the fuck is a Barack?! Barack Obama. Where he from, Africa?

Yeah, his dad is from Kenya.
Barack Obama?

Yeah.
What the fuck?! That ain't no fuckin' name, yo. That ain't that nigga's name. You can't be serious. Barack Obama. Get the fuck outta here.

You're telling me you haven't heard about him before.
I ain't really paying much attention.

I mean, it's pretty big if a Black…
Wow, Barack! The nigga's name is Barack. Barack? Nigga named Barack Obama. What the fuck, man?! Is he serious? That ain't his fuckin' name. Ima tell this nigga when I see him, "Stop that bullshit. Stop that bullshit" [laughs] "That ain't your fuckin' name." Your momma ain't name you no damn Barack.


It kind of reminded me of this Onion story. Also, I was prompted to wonder who else in North America hasn't heard of Barack Obama. Probably some militia-of-one type up in Wyoming who calls himself Lazarus and brews hooch in the back forty. Spends his time canning food for his bunker and polishing his guns and refuses to accept the "facts" shoved down his throat by the New(World Order')spaper, but that's not too hard since he only rides into town once a month anyway.
Wednesday, August 27th, 2008
2:13 pm
OMG YOU GUYS
I'm back from oblivion. I have a lot to recap but it's not going to happen right now because I slammed my hand in a door and am waiting for the most afflicted finger to either turn black and fall off or heal itself. Time will tell.

Anyways, in the throes of my recent depression (more on that later) I watched Glitter, the Mariah Carey biopic. I present to you some reflections.Collapse )
Wednesday, April 9th, 2008
2:44 pm
The Kid Stays In The Picture
It’s no secret that I’m not a huge fan of children. However, I have discovered through experience that it’s very, very hard to resist the charms of a small boy who wears glasses, especially if he admires your toy-fixing skills and refers to you as “uncle”. Due to the influence of this scientifically-proven fact, I found myself taking a four-year-old to a pottery class on my day off.

Meet The Kid. Age: 4. Desired occupation: Scuba Diver. Barring that, tiger.Collapse )
Tuesday, April 8th, 2008
2:32 pm
SPRING BREAK, DAY 4: In Which I Actually Did Something
I kind of petered out on my mediocre photo-reporting of Spring Break last week, but I did go to a baseball game on Thursday. That was pretty much the most excitement I drummed up all week, but it was an enjoyable band outing.

I’m sorry, what? You didn’t know I was in a <i>band</i>?Collapse )
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